In My Life I've Loved You More
by TwilightFanInIllinois
Summary: My first fanfic ... be gentle. From Bella's point of view ... after Breaking Dawn. Bella recounts how difficult it was learning to be a vampire ... learning to live that life. The story is growing and changing.
1. Chapter 1 In My Life

_How would you live if you time itself had no meaning?  
What would you do if you have hundreds of lifetimes  
to do everything you've ever dreamed of?_

Edward was right about one thing … I did not know what I was asking for. Not that I've ever regretted changing. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to spend all these decades with the love of my life. If I regret anything it was my impatience.

All these years have given me more depth and experience and knowledge. Edward was right … in the shadow of eternity, what did one more year matter? Or even a few years? I'd been in such a rush to join Edward and his family in their lifestyle that I'd ignored so many things … so many people.

Let's take prom, for instance. As a human, I'd loathed the idea of dressing up and having a large group of people watch me attempt to dance. I was self conscious and uncomfortable. Looking back, I cringe at the memories of how silly I was. I've gone to dozens of proms now. My balance is perfect and when Edward and I dance, it is breathtaking. But nothing will replace that first time stepping into the gym with the lights and the decorations and the music. Not to mention the sounds of friendship. And to think … I appreciated none of it.

Ah, well … that's youth for you. Although I haven't aged a day, I'm not the same person I was at eighteen … or even the same person I was at forty. All of our experiences create layers … all of the happiness … all of the grief … it just adds to our personality. At my core, though, I am still Bella … Edward's Bella.

The first few years were difficult; although, not because of the bloodlust we'd all assumed would be overwhelming. For whatever reason, control has never been an issue for me. Oh sure, there are some _wonderful _smelling people out there … but I've never given it more than a passing thought.

No, the first few years were difficult because you have to _learn_ how to be a vampire. What would _you_ do if you never slept? If you had extra hours in the day you didn't know what to do with? There was a reason Edward and Rosalie were gifted musicians … if you have multiple lifetimes to live, then … well … you live them.

_Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life, I'll love you more_

_The Beatles – In My Life_


	2. Chapter 2 Learning To Be Selfless

**Chapter 2 – Learning To Be Selfless **

We spent the first decade or so of my new life just raising Renesmee. She grew so fast that Edward and I jointly decided to put off any thoughts we'd had of going to college. After all, we knew in ten years, she would be grown and then we would have an eternity to explore the world together.

I can't deny that at times it was hard. I was restless and I began to notice my limitations. While Edward loved the rainy, overcast atmosphere of the Pacific Northwest, I missed Phoenix. I silently mourned the fact that I'd never wiggle my toes in the sand of a beach again. I only brought it up once. We'd been sitting on the couch in our cottage reading while Renesmee slept when Edward brushed a tendril of hair from my cheek. "What's bothering you, Bella?"

When I cocked my head at him in confusion, he took a thumb and ran it lightly over my forehead. Those damned worry lines always gave me away. "Please, Bella … you know you can tell me anything. What do you need?"

And so I'd explained how I'd grown up going to public beaches with Renee … how I missed listening to the water lapping on the shore and the feel of hot sand beneath my feet. He instantly pulled me into his lap and smiled his crooked smile, "Then that settles it. We'll go to Esme's Island. When would you like to leave? We can take Renesmee and …"

But before he could finish, I'd jumped up …

"You don't understand. I'm not talking about the sand _itself_. I'm talking about the shared experience. Hundreds of people on a beach … hearing the children laughing … seeing the kids play in the water …"

"We'll take the whole family," he offered. "Alice loves the beach. And heaven knows Rosalie loves wearing a swimsuit in front of Emmett …"

I couldn't stop the emotions from bubbling over. "Ugh … you don't _get it_!" I'd yelled as I stormed out of the door. Edward let me run. I'd like to believe he trusted me enough to know I'd come back once I'd burned off the frustration. In reality, I'm sure he called Alice who, in turn, told him to let me be … that everything would be fine.

After hunting for several hours, I came back to a quiet house. Renesmee's bed was made and felt cold to the touch. The house smelled as though no one had been in it for a few hours. I opened the door and listened. I tuned her in … up at the main house … I could faintly hear Nessie playing a board game with Jacob. He sounded upset with her … she must be winning _again_. Feeling an aching emptiness, I went into our bedroom and crawled up onto our king-sized, pillowy bed.

One of the hardest things about being a newborn was my inability to cry. I wanted to curl into a ball and sob myself to sleep … but there was no sobbing … and there was no sleep. So I laid there … my body shaking, trying to cry tears that couldn't come.

I heard Edward's familiar gait long before I felt his body next to mine. In one fluid motion, he'd picked me up and cradled me against his warm, body. I felt his lips against my hair as his head dipped down to kiss my forehead. "I'm so sorry, Bella", he murmured against my skin.

My voice broke as I asked, "What are you sorry for? I'm the spoiled brat here. Why can't I just be happy with what I _can_ have?" I lamented. I felt his chest rise as he sighed, "Bella, I'm sorry because I know how difficult this is for you. You're doing _amazing_ … your control is like nothing Carlisle and I have ever seen. But that doesn't mean things won't be hard for you at first."

He shifted his weight so that my head was lying on a feather pillow and, as he put his weight on his elbow, his golden eyes gazed down into mine. "It took me years not to miss the sunlight, Bella. And you _can_ still have the sunlight. I'll take you to the island … hell, I'll buy you your _own_ island if that would make you smile again."

I couldn't help chuckling. Leave it to Edward to move the Earth and the stars just to see me smile. "You aren't making me feel any less spoiled, you know?" I chided him. "I feel bad enough for throwing a temper tantrum earlier … and now you want to reward that tantrum with my own private Sandals Resort?"

He laughed, "Well, I'm not sure how successful _that_ would be … although we would have a very _exclusive_ clientele!"

I started giggling and couldn't seem to stop. "Can you imagine … a tropical island … full of sparkling vampires … just _playing_ on the beach …" He joined in my laughter and added, "I bet the lunch buffet would be pretty popular …"

As our laughter slowly subsided, he leaned down and laid his head on my shoulder, "Please don't be angry anymore, Bella … sometimes we can't have everything we want, but I'll do everything in my power to get you as close to it as I can …"

"Silly Edward … I was never mad at you … just mad at my own shortcomings."

It was the first of many spats we would have over the years … even soul mates aren't perfect. Granted, we've only argued a handful of times … but when you are so deeply connected with someone, each argument feels as though it's magnified by a thousand.

I can see now that I was selfish in the beginning. Edward made sure I got everything I wanted … he never denied me anything. But as the years pass, you begin to see that it feels _so_ _good_ making others happy that you suddenly discover you don't want or need nearly anything as much as you thought you did. I made up my mind after that argument … I would aspire to be more like Alice and Esme … even if it took me a century to get there. And I after all, I had nothing but time …

_But there never seems to be enough time  
To do the things  
You want to do  
Once you find them  
I've looked around enough to know  
That you're the one I want to go  
Through time with_

_Jim Croce – Time In A Bottle_


	3. Chapter 3 My Last Tie To Forks

**Chapter 3 - My Last Tie To Forks **

Over the years, I've learned that I tend to waste a lot of energy worrying over things that don't amount to a hill of beans.

For instance, with Renesmee was born, I was worried that she would be a burden on the Cullen family. I mean, these are people who have lived a century doing anything and everything they've ever wanted. Why would they want to be tied to raising a child? How much more wrong could I have been?

Esme, Alice, and Rosalie practically arm wrestled over who would get to hold Nessie … and they looked at dressing her as if they had a living doll in the house. I'd been ashamed to ask them the first time if they would watch Nessie so Edward and I could have a little time alone … and then sat there in shock as they all began to laugh.

"Bella, we've been trying to give you and Edward space … " Esme began.

"See, we'd really rather just keep her here 24/7," Rosalie interrupted.

"But we didn't want you think we were trying to steal your baby!" Alice finished.

So once again, my fears were unjustified. After that first embarrassing conversation, it was a rare evening that one of the three didn't come up to me and whisper, "Would you like a little _alone_ time?"

And so the years passed. We'd all come to an agreement that we would relocate after my 10th anniversary. After all, you could only claim to "age gracefully" for so long. Even Dick Clark started to show his age after awhile. So, we quietly made plans for where we would live and what schools we would attend.

Eight years into this decade-long relocation plan, I got the call.

My iPhone vibrated in my pocket as I surfed online in our cottage. I was shocked to hear Carlisle's voice so shaken, "Bella, I need you to come to the hospital immediately. Something's happened to Charlie …"

But before I could hear anything else he said, the door burst open and Alice screamed, "Bella, come on, we have to _**go**_!" Edward was already waiting in the car when I reached the main house. "Rosalie and Esme have already left, common, we have to go."

"Edward, Alice, what's going on?" I whimpered "Please, please tell me about my father."

I saw Edward glance into the rear view mirror and look at Alice, his brow lowered in concentration. "It's serious, Bella. A deputy found him collapsed next to his desk. He was conscious but in pain. Carlisle is already working on him … they've called Sue."

"But what _is_ it? What's wrong?" I stammered as I heard Alice gasp in the back seat. Her eyes cleared and connected with Edwards in the rear view mirror. "Go, Edward! Drive _**faster**_!" In the softest, saddest voice I'd ever heard, Alice whispered, "It's okay, Bella … I see us making it in time."

But in time for what? To say goodbye? Even her assurances were sad and weak. We drove in silence for the rest of the way. I could tell Edward was constantly searching Alice's mind for a sign of what we would face.

We ran into the ER and immediately found Carlisle standing with Rosalie and Esme. My heart broke as soon as I saw Esme's face. Yes, we had made it … but it wouldn't matter. She ran to me and pulled me into a hug, her body shaking with tearless sobs.

Carlisle gently pulled on Esme's hand to separate us. "Bella, it isn't good news. Your father's had a severe heart attack. The damage is … is … massive. He's up in the Cardiac ICU and we're going to try surgery but … there's just so much damage." Carlisle turned to Alice and she very simply shook her head. The movement was so small that no human would've noticed it.

I felt my weight go out as Edwards hands stretched out to catch me. Could vampires faint? Despair came off me in rolling waves. Alice came up and put my face in her hands. "Bella, listen. Pull yourself together. You need to go upstairs and see Charlie. You have to speak to Charlie before he's gone."

Gone … the word echoed through my brain … gone.

Edward turned me around to look at him, "Bella? Bella? Listen to me …"

I looked up into his golden eyes and for just a moment I was able to hold onto the sound of his voice. My voice broke but I was able to speak, "I'm listening …"

"No one lives forever … this is your chance to say goodbye. Not everyone gets this chance … you can do this." Suddenly the double doors burst open and Renesmee came running in with Jacob in tow. "Where's Grandpa Charlie?!" she asked in a panicked voice.

Suddenly … every ounce of strength I had returned … my daughter needed me. So beautiful she took my breath away, Renesseme looked eighteen or nineteen, although she'd just celebrated her eighth birthday. I went to her and held her, "Come in, let's go see him."

And so we walked, hand in hand, into the elevator. The entire family walked close together, holding hands and leaning against each other as we went into the Cardiac ICU. Carlisle stopped us. "Everyone, let's give Bella and Renesmee a moment. We can't all go into his room at once."

I looked painfully up at Edward and saw Nessie give an identical look to Jacob. So much alike, she and I. I took her hand and softly spoke, "Let's go, hon …"

Charlie had aged 20 years overnight. His cheeks were gaunt and pale and suddenly lined with wrinkles I'd never seen before. He was covered with wire and monitors surrounded his bed. So much braver than I, Renesseme walked over to the bed and took Charlie's left hand.

"Grandpa?" she whispered. Charlie slowly opened his eyes.

"Aw, Nessie …" and tears began flowing down Renesseme's soft pink cheeks, "Don't cry, honey, I'm okay." Charlie looked over her head into my eyes and I could see the tears in his own.

I walked over to the other side and took his right hand. "Hi, Dad … I ... heard …" and I couldn't speak … my throat seemed to seize up and refuse to move.

"It's okay, Bella. Can we talk for a minute?" I nodded and looked out the door at Jake … he took my clue and came in and smiled at Charlie, "Hi there, Charlie …"

"Hi, Jake … " Charlie's voice was getting horse and more strained. My brows knitted together at the sound …

"I'm gonna borrow Nessie for a just a moment …" and Jake put his arm around her shoulders and steered her into the hall. I could hear her crying harder once she'd left the confines of the small, ICU unit.

"Oh, Dad …" I sighed.

"Bells, it's okay. Listened, I've had a good life …" he began.

"Stop it, Dad … Carlisle says they're going to try surgery in the morning …"

"Aw, Bells … it's too late."

Where were my tears? I needed my tears. My heart had stopped beating years ago, and yet I could feel it breaking into pieces. I felt a sob come out of my chest.

"We had a lot of fun, Bella. And I'm so glad you came back to Forks to live with me."

"Charlie, I'm so … I'm so sorry I didn't come up more when I was growing up … I just … I just …"

"Hon, I understand …" and I could hear a slight wheeze enter his voice. "What little girl wants to fish with her old man and his buddies? Forks isn't a very girly place …"

"I love you _so_ much, Dad …"

"I love you too, Bells. But you've got a good family out there. Edward loves you. He's always gonna love you."

I nodded my head in agreement, unable to speak.

"And that little girl of yours …" he sighed. "Bella, _you_ had a beautiful daughter." He looked up at me as he placed the emphasis on "you". He was letting me know he knew … he knew Nessie was his granddaughter even though he would die and we could never speak of it.

"She loves you, Dad … we all do …"

"I know. Now listen, you tell Jake to take good care of Billy. Just taking care of Nessie isn't enough." I nodded again. "And Alice … aw, have Alice come here, I want to tell her how much I loved having her around.

Before I could speak a word, Alice opened the door and softly spoke. "Hello, Charlie … did I hear you say I should come in here?"

He tried to laugh but coughed instead and pain crossed his face so suddenly. "Dad, should we …"

"No, no … it's fine. I just wanted to tell Alice here how happy I am with her. You sure made the transition easy." Alice and I looked at each other in an uneasy glance. "Transition, Charlie?" "Yes … from having my little girl living at home to being a grown woman with a husband and a family. Thank you, Alice."

She smiled at him with the sweetest smile I think I've ever seen and said, "You're very welcome, Charlie … I'd do everything again in a heartbeat. But Charlie, Edward wants to see you, would that be alright?"

"Yes, yes … please Alice, let me talk to him really quick …"

And in a flash she'd gone and Edward stood in her place. Charlie cringed a little. They'd move a little too fast in their haste to change places. "Hey there, Charlie … " Edward spoke.

"Son, I just want to tell you how glad I am that you came back."

I was breathless. This was the first time in years that Charlie had spoke of those horrible months. It was as though we'd all agreed to pretend they never happened. And now, now he brought them up.

"Charlie, I can't apologize enough …"

"Oh, now stop. I didn't bring it up to make you apologize. I want you to know … that I know … how happy you make Bella. You're a great father and a great husband. And I'll be watching, Edward …" he winked.

"Aw, Charlie … I know you will."

Sue Clearwater knocked on the door. How had I forgotten Sue? She and Charlie were living together … but she'd been on LaPush with Billy when we got the call.

"Charlie …" she sobbed.

"Aw, Sue … now common …"

And I backed out of the door with Edward to give them a moment of privacy. I walked straight over to Alice, "Alice, you have to tell me, is there any chance …"

And her tiny frame seemed to wilt as she shook her head no.

And so we sat in the waiting room outside the ICU … taking turns spending a moment here and there with Charlie whenever he was awake Over time more people joined us, Emmett and Jasper returned early from their hunting trip, Seth brought Billy up and he got to stay goodbye. Even Angela and Ben came up to comfort us.

As the sun set and it became twilight, I felt Edward's hand on my shoulder … "He's thinking of you. He wants to be with you … I think … I think it's close."

I stood up and walked over to Sue's chair. Leah had come up earlier and Sue sat slumping to the side with her head on her daughter's shoulder.

"Sue," I held my hand out, "Would you like to come see Charlie with me?" She opened her eyes and looked at me for a moment. She understood. She understood everything. With Seth and Leah as children, she knew things most people would never imagine. And so when I offered her my hand, she took it with a resigned sigh.

Charlie never regained consciousness. He slipped away and we lost him as the last of the sun left the sky. And with him I lost my last ties to the human world.

After the funeral, I had no reason to stay in Forks any longer. Edward had only been waiting for me. Our ten-year plan was just a compromise to allow me as much time with Charlie as possible.

So now … with Charlie gone and Renesseme an adult … there was no reason to wait any longer …

_And I'll take with me the memories  
To be my sunshine after the rain  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday._

_Boyz II Men – It's So Hard To Say Goodbye_


End file.
